[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
(True)
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms