imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]