Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
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if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no