Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.