Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
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As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?