Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
You Might Also Like
Plant care tips
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”