*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
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*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.