“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!