Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
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In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
I’m about to risk it all
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Don’t forget to tip your server
#milo