Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
You Might Also Like
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Sing it!
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Wait a minute
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
i prefer mine room temperature.
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman