[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
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He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Passwords are more important than ever.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Happy Caturday!
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom