Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.