My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
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my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird