CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.