My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
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It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
[at the general store]
me: one general please
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.