“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
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Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
What?!?
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Just a friendly reminder!
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.