Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
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Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.