Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.