wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
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A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest