10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad