My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
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Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
i love modern commerce
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.