My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?