To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
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Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I鈥檓 so glad I鈥檒l be dead by then.
Me, thinking about what i鈥檇 do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what鈥檇 u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn鈥檛 know why until now.
WTF
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
馃檪馃惥
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here鈥檚 four pounds.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.