boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
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I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about