Thinking about Jeff
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him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Free him
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers