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Becoming a grandparent is the one time it鈥檚 acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z鈥檚 that come out of your nose when you sleep.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
I’m being attacked 馃槶
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.