accurate
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My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like