Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
and this one
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.