I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
Sniffing the broccoli
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion