Aight bet
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Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.