I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
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Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Me, in DM rooms…
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor