According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.