I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
You Might Also Like
I don’t make the rules sorry
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.