[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
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If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them