Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
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Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing