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Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
i now pronounce you bounced.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
I am, perchance
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care