Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?