At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
You Might Also Like
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”