If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
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LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.