As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
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The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
picnics are a great way to think you’re hanging out with friends but actually you’re sitting on something wet
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies