SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
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“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
I need to update my racial profile.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??