Ok who’s got my black socks?
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I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Yep.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.