I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
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He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
I only eat vegetarians.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
what it’s like dating me:
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
this is literally a CIA plant
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!