Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
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Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it