I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy