sigh
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
I’m sure it’s fine.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?