Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
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“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic