ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?