The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
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you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.