THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
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Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
c’mon!
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”